Friday, May 11, 2007

IT Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"that' s correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks:

"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not".


The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".

How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd.

"First, you came here without being called.”

“Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew”

“And third, you don't understand anything about my business...”

Now can I have my DOG back?"

How to ask your boss for a salary increase

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$, worker$, who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.


I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.


Your$ $incerely,

$teven






The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:



I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.



NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if South Africa may go into aNOther recession.



I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.



Yours truly,
Manager

NOrman

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

SECRETARY 'S RESUME!!


Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can
Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.


I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole
really seam to respond to me belly well.


Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru
my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to
pay me and wat you think that I am werth,


I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me
taken at my last jobb.









Employer's reply:......



Dear Peggy,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.....

Welcome onboard !!!

21st century..


all in less size

Our communication - Wireless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless


Our food - Fatless

Our relation - Loveless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our dress - Topless

Our attitude - Careless

Our politics - Shameless

Our youth - Jobless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our boss - Brainless

Our labour - Effortless

Our Job - Thankless


Our Salary - Very less

so totally USELESS

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Letter from Banta Singh to Bill Gates...!!!!

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,


This letter is from Banta Singh from
Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.
Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto
Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,

Banta Singh